


Not A Day Goes By That I Don't Think of You

by philindaisy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, Injury, Miscarriage, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Pregnancy, Stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 03:35:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4289196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philindaisy/pseuds/philindaisy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a mission gone wrong, Steve has some questions about Clint and Natasha's past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not A Day Goes By That I Don't Think of You

**Author's Note:**

> Set a couple of months before Captain America: The Winter Soldier (actual event talked about would have taken place in early 2011). 
> 
> I love the Clint/Nat/Steve (Spangled Assassins) dynamic, so I decided to play with the idea that Steve, Clint, and Natasha were a team after The Avengers instead of just Natasha and Steve aka what's shown in CA: TWS.
> 
> (This fic switches perspective in each section, starting with Steve, then Natasha, and finally Clint's portion is last but also the longest.)

Steve gets to her first. She’s lying on the ground, a decent size gash on her forehead and a bullet wound to the side. She’s out of it, he can tell, but she’s saying something. She’s mumbling. 

Clint’s by his side by the time he gets to her, a look on his face that Steve has come to know that he will only see when one of them is worried about the other. What Natasha and Clint have is strange to him; it’s strange to the other Avengers, to the other SHIELD agents. In a way, it reminds him of his friendship with Bucky had been, but also his relationship with Peggy, and at the same time, it’s entirely different. It’s not the same as Tony and Pepper or Thor and Jane, either. It’s confusing and different, but stronger than he’s ever seen.

He focuses on Natasha in front of him and Clint at his side. She’s mumbling again and he can’t understand it, but he sees the way Clint goes instantly pale at her inaudible words.

“What is she saying? Clint? Do you know what she’s saying?”

Clint avoids his question, turning to asses Natasha’s injuries as he relays them to the SHIELD medical over his comm. 

“I want to see him,” Natasha mumbles again, this time clear enough that Steve can make out the words. 

He watches Clint intertwine their fingers together and assumes that’s what she means by “him”, but Natasha says it again, slightly more panicked than before. 

“Who? Clint? He’s right here,” Steve assures her in attempt to calm her.

He doesn’t and she continues asking until SHIELD medical arrives and Clint finally replies, “It’s okay, Tasha, I’m here. It’s okay.”

\---  
Natasha wakes up in SHIELD medical a few hours later. Clint’s by her side, of course he is, he’s always there when she needs him. She doesn’t doubt he’s been here the entire time. Over the years, the doctors have learned not to attempt to separate Hawkeye and the Black Widow when one was injured. 

“Hey,” Clint whispers, noticing that she’s awake. 

Her head is heavy, her mind a little foggy, but she asks, “What’s the story?”

“You were shot- it’s through and through, no internal damage. You got a pretty nasty concussion, though.”

Nat grimaced, “Failed mission?”

“Nah, Steve took out the last guy while I was jumping off a building to get to you.”

She chuckles, then breathes a sigh.

“Nat-“ Clint starts. He has her hand in his and a concerned expression written across his face. Of course he knew.

“When I was unconscious, I thought about that day. It’s still like a dream, it doesn’t feel real.”

“I don’t think it’ll ever feel real,” Clint whispers.

“He should be two today,” Natasha says, easily running her hand through her partners short hair, “He would have been so much like you, I’m sure of it.”

“I don’t know about that,” Clint chuckles, “He may have ended up looking like me, but he would have been as strong-willed and determined as you.”

She gives him a small smile, ushering him up onto the bed with her. He follows her order, climbs in and kisses her head as he wraps his arms around her small frame.  
“He was supposed to be ours,” she says, resting her head against his chest. She feels safe there, comfortable, “I was supposed to be his mom.”

“He was. No matter what happened, he was ours. You were his mom, you still are.”

“But not like other parents, Clint. I was terrified of being one, I didn’t think I could do it, and sometimes I still think that maybe that was the reason.”

“It wasn’t,” he assures her, “I don’t think anyone is ready to be a parent. What happened- it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s.”

“Logically, I know that but-“

“I know.”

She leans into his arms, closing her eyes. She’s still tired and should probably get some rest, so she doesn’t fight the heaviness dragging her into unconsciousness. 

\---  
Clint’s back is against the glass window of Nat’s room in the infirmary, his head resting against it as well, and his eyes closed when he senses Steve come down the hallway. 

He’s quiet, but can feel the other man’s eyes on him as he takes a place next to Clint.

“What did she mean?” Steve asks, breaking the awkward silence. 

“What?” Clint asks, his eyes still closed.

Steve takes a moment, seemingly trying to form words before answering. 

“When she- When Natasha said she wanted to see “him”… I assumed she meant you, but she kept asking and you were already there. I don’t mean to pry, I just assumed you two were, “ he stops, taking a breath, “I didn’t know she had someone else.”

“She doesn’t,” Clint answers, turning to face a sleeping Natasha through the glass, “It’s personal for both of us and very few people know, but you’re our teammate, I think you should know.” 

“I don’t need-“

Clint shakes his head, stopping Steve, “Natasha was pregnant.”

Steve’s mouth almost falls open in shock, but Clint continues.

“It shouldn’t have been able to happen. Where she comes from… they take precautions to make sure it can’t, but it did, to us.

“Spies don’t have kids, we know that that. There’s a good reason for that, but still, that didn’t stop us from deciding to go through with it.  
“Natasha- she tried not to get attached. She distanced herself as much as she could, decided we should give the baby up for adoption, she wouldn’t talk about the baby. I didn’t push her, of course. The decisions were up to her at that point and I didn’t know how I felt about it either.”

Clint sighs, pulling a small, grainy photograph out of his wallet.

“This changed everything,” he says, passing it to Steve, “At her 20 week appointment, that was given to us. The baby kicked for the first time as they ultrasound tech snapped that and told us it was a boy. I don’t know if it was the shock of feeling the baby, knowing he was real, or finding out he was a he, but everything became clearer then. That was the first time Tasha admitted that she wanted this, all of it.”

Clint watched Steve inspect the sonogram in his hand, a barely identifiable human being in the image.

“We made plans to leave SHIELD. We were gonna get out, start a life. We wanted to keep our son away from this,” he gestures to the rest of the hospital, “But it never happened.”

He rubs the back of his neck and takes a deep breath, “A month before the baby was due, I came home from what was supposed to be my last mission and found Natasha on the floor in a pool of blood. I called her name over and over, but she wouldn’t wake up. The doctors said it Placenta abruption and in a lot of cases, Nat’s being one of them, it isn’t detectable until it’s too late. She lost a lot of blood and was in a coma for three days but the baby… the baby didn’t make it.

“I remember holding him. I remember his weight in my hands, how beautiful he was, but most of all, I remember how still he was. A baby should never be that still.”  
He takes a moment to cross the hall, pinching the bridge of his nose, “When Natasha woke up, she asked for him. She wanted to see him, she wanted to hold him. She woke up to me trying to explain that our baby didn’t make it.” 

“Clint,” Steve shakes his head, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how you got through that.”

“It’ll never be easier, but we have to stick together. That’s the only thing that makes it bearable. When it first happened, we distanced ourselves from each other. She blamed herself and I blamed myself and everyone except her. She took a mission in Russia to get away from it all and Coulson convinced me to take the op in New Mexico.”

“And then Loki happened,” Steve inferred. 

“And then Loki happened... and I guess coming that close to losing each other brought us back together. The pain from the baby is still there, but I wouldn’t be here without Tash.” 

“You love her.”

“It’s so much more than that, Cap.”

Steve returns the sonogram to Clint, places a hand on his shoulder as a goodbye gesture, and then takes off down the hall. 

Clint looks down at the picture and then back into Natasha’s room. Things could have been so different if their baby had lived, but it didn’t matter. He couldn’t bring his son back, but he was going to make sure he never lost Natasha.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing baby/family fic - not just sad baby fic - is my preference, so if you have any requests, send them my way in the comments :)


End file.
